Who Am I? Why Do You Care?

I am a woman on a journey. Where I'll end up is yet to be discovered.

Writing and Life. Sometimes Related.

11 Comments

I started this blog a year ago! Time certainly flies. It doesn’t seem all that long. When I first began to write here, I had no clear plan of where life was taking me, I just thought it would be nice to chronicle the ride. I still don’t know where life is going to take me, but then again, no one does. All I can do is take everything in stride and see what happens next. It’s usually amusing, at least. A few months ago, as I wanted to delve deeper into ADHD awareness, I decided to start another blog, ADHD Kristi & Co, as a place to write about things ADHD related. It’s been an amazing experience, as I’ve met some fabulous people through that. Sometimes though, it’s hard to separate things going on in my writing, or my life journey and things that have to do with ADHD. They are all connected, really.

Today has been one of those emotional ones. It was a really rough week and today I just felt weary. I didn’t want to do anything (and believe me, I have a looong list of things to do), and, being home alone, I was finding it hard to not just mope all day. Then something pretty cool happened. I had planned to launch my new book, Blessed Light, Cleansing Rain, in October, but without going into detail on that, it launched today. Part of me is REALLY EXCITED!! Part of me thinks it should have waited until October as planned. Oh well. My ADHD got the best of me. The book was ready and I was impatient. (Still planning an awesome launch party and other fun activities for October!) Now, I was still tired, and even slightly down, but now I was able to look at my book right there on Amazon, and couldn’t help but be happy about that. Two books. I wrote two books! (okay, I have written more books than that…lots of really crappy ones. I have PUBLISHED two books. Maybe they are crappy too…but I like them.)

I read an article today about ADHD and some of the attributes that go along with it, such as the feelings of worthlessness and not living up to your potential and all that jazz. I’ve talked about it before. You feel like you’re floundering through life, doing all the wrong things, or doing nothing at all, because you are paralyzed by that fear that you can’t do anything right. You know you’re going to fail. You know you aren’t good enough. We sabotage our school careers, our jobs, sometimes even our marriages and our lives, all because we feel like a failure before we even start. I was thinking about that today as I looked at my two books. I am not a failure.

Only when I write do I feel like I make sense. Only when I write do I feel like a whole person. Am I the best writer in the world? Certainly not. There are far more talented writers out there than I will ever be. Not everyone will enjoy my writing. Not everyone will like my books, or my writing style, or my voice. That is okay with me. I can accept that I will not click with all people. Writing is an amazing journey for me, and I love nothing more than getting to know my characters and listening to what they have to tell me. I do not have to be the best. I have to be MY best. I still have much to learn. There is room to vastly improve my craft. I will never be good enough. (In the sense that I will never reach a point where I will know all I have to know, and have nothing to improve upon.)

That symptom of always feeling like a failure? When I write is the only time I do not feel that way. When I write I know I am doing what I am meant to do, and I am happy with my work. Writing is my place of inner peace, even when the writing process itself is fraught with turbulence, distress, and despair. When I write, I am at home.

It would be really awesome if I could manage to pay the bills by writing. Hey, a girl can dream. I wish there was something else in the world that made me feel the same way, but there doesn’t seem to be. That’s okay. At least now I know that I always have my writing. At least now I know that I don’t have to put it off for “someday.” Writing enables me to be a whole person. It enables me to feel my best and know, in my heart, that I am not completely worthless. I am not doomed to fail at all things. I can even finish what I start. I also know, now, that it will always be there, waiting for me.

While writing makes me feel invincible, unfortunately, all things tech related do not. I have been informed that in the Kindle version of my book, the table of contents doesn’t work properly. When you click on any of the chapter titles it does not take you to that chapter. Interesting. I checked it in my document and they all work perfectly fine, so I’m not sure what has been lost in translation. When I formatted my first book it didn’t give me any trouble with the TOC. I hate it because it makes me look sloppy. I did check the links, I promise! So — back to the drawing board on that, and hopefully I can figure out quickly what I did wrong so I can remedy the situation. (and here I was feeling all good and stuff.)

ย 

Advertisements

Author: kristilazzari

I am a happily divorced mom and writer from rural Alabama. My daughter and I live off the beaten path with a spoiled rotten Flat Haired Retriever that believes herself to be a lap dog. Books are my passion, my day job keeps the lights on.

11 thoughts on “Writing and Life. Sometimes Related.

  1. Well done so much. Personally, I hope you keep writing books forever, and show that ADHD who’s boss. You’re doing an amazing job, and no internal doubts can change that.

    • Thanks, Anneque! I have a feeling I’ll be writing as long as I can move my fingers! Some days, my ADHD shows ME who the boss is, but most days I can put up a pretty decent fight! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  2. I have nominated you for a One Lovely Blog Award. Your blog has uplifted me and I want to share it with others. If you would like to participate in the award (no obligation and no time limit!), see the details in my post http://humbleheartscribbles.wordpress.com/2014/09/10/a-lovely-award/

  3. So exciting to hear about your book! Well done you! Though I don’t have ADHD (that I know of!) I can identify with the feelings you wrote about – the worthlessness, the sabotaging, etc – every bit of that paragraph. It is people like you that inspire me to aim higher and not give up on my dreams! ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Thank you so much for your comments! I’m proof that reinvention of self is possible, (though an ongoing process in my case!) so do continue to chase dreams!! You can do it! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. Congrats on your 1 year, congrats on your book! The TOC may not work yet-but it will. I know you enough to know you’ll work at it until it does lol

    Those feelings of worthless and failure, yeah…gotta love ’em. They’ve made my life hell. Especially this year. I’ve struggled with them more this summer than in my entire life and its not going well in my favor.

    (No meds because of no insurance, no well paying job (again) to pay for-and around we go) Wanna see an ADHD face? Come visit-I’ll give ya nightmares lol hmmm…might be a story in that…anyway…

    I’m proud of you. You’ve had a rough summer yeah, but you my friend, are succeeding. If in question, refer to my inadequacies listed above. See, because you’re winning and you’re doing it in your own terms. Maybe you should be an ADHD role model for those of us who are lost.

    I could write it. And in stories, we all win, right?

    • Honey, you’re gonna make me cry. Some days I don’t feel very much like I’m winning. Role model — nah, not me. But thank you for reminding me that I AM doing this, and on my own terms too. I’m learning.
      Yeah, believe me I understand about the meds. I get them for my daughter, and even with her insurance most months I don’t know where I’ll get the money to pay for them. (insurance through her father, so I have to pay up front and then he files and is supposed to reimburse me. that is such a laugh as I have not seen a dime since oh, March Ugh..another story altogether.) But me…well, no money, no meds. I know they aren’t the whole answer, but boy, some months I sure would like to at least have the option to use them! You are right though — in stories we all get to win. Maybe that’s why I prefer to live in the stories in my head. ha!
      Hang in there and write your story as only you can!!
      Thanks for your comments and kind words about the book. I’m excited. I did get the TOC fixed and then found a few rather embarrassing typos that got through all those final edits. I do have to fix those, but other than that, it does feel good to have finished the project!!

      • Oh hey now, there’s no crying in blogging-right. Totally redundant. But I’ll bet you aren’t crying, huh? ๐Ÿ˜‰

        You better get used to being admired-I just shared your book link with all my fans (Hi Mom) and so now you’re going to be run over with glowing reviews and clamours for more. ๐Ÿ™‚

        While you do that, I’ll be hunting down an ADHD GPS (I know there’s got to be a post in that) and we’ll do what we do best. Survive.
        And conquer. Perferably with great eye candy helping. How could I forget that part? ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • You are awesome. Completely awesome -in case you didn’t know it.
        Heeey when you find one of those ADHD GPS gizmos, lemme know where!! ๐Ÿ™‚

      • You’ll be the first to know. I can almost hear it now…
        “Okay, you wanna take a right…well…somewhere up there and-OMG there’s ice cream!! Right there! You better stop and get some-oh but then you’d have to drive and eat and…oops. You missed your turn.”

        Or something like that. Keep on winning ๐Ÿ™‚

What's on your mind? I welcome your thoughts!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s