I started this blog a year ago! Time certainly flies. It doesn’t seem all that long. When I first began to write here, I had no clear plan of where life was taking me, I just thought it would be nice to chronicle the ride. I still don’t know where life is going to take me, but then again, no one does. All I can do is take everything in stride and see what happens next. It’s usually amusing, at least. A few months ago, as I wanted to delve deeper into ADHD awareness, I decided to start another blog, ADHD Kristi & Co, as a place to write about things ADHD related. It’s been an amazing experience, as I’ve met some fabulous people through that. Sometimes though, it’s hard to separate things going on in my writing, or my life journey and things that have to do with ADHD. They are all connected, really.
Today has been one of those emotional ones. It was a really rough week and today I just felt weary. I didn’t want to do anything (and believe me, I have a looong list of things to do), and, being home alone, I was finding it hard to not just mope all day. Then something pretty cool happened. I had planned to launch my new book, Blessed Light, Cleansing Rain, in October, but without going into detail on that, it launched today. Part of me is REALLY EXCITED!! Part of me thinks it should have waited until October as planned. Oh well. My ADHD got the best of me. The book was ready and I was impatient. (Still planning an awesome launch party and other fun activities for October!) Now, I was still tired, and even slightly down, but now I was able to look at my book right there on Amazon, and couldn’t help but be happy about that. Two books. I wrote two books! (okay, I have written more books than that…lots of really crappy ones. I have PUBLISHED two books. Maybe they are crappy too…but I like them.)
I read an article today about ADHD and some of the attributes that go along with it, such as the feelings of worthlessness and not living up to your potential and all that jazz. I’ve talked about it before. You feel like you’re floundering through life, doing all the wrong things, or doing nothing at all, because you are paralyzed by that fear that you can’t do anything right. You know you’re going to fail. You know you aren’t good enough. We sabotage our school careers, our jobs, sometimes even our marriages and our lives, all because we feel like a failure before we even start. I was thinking about that today as I looked at my two books. I am not a failure.
Only when I write do I feel like I make sense. Only when I write do I feel like a whole person. Am I the best writer in the world? Certainly not. There are far more talented writers out there than I will ever be. Not everyone will enjoy my writing. Not everyone will like my books, or my writing style, or my voice. That is okay with me. I can accept that I will not click with all people. Writing is an amazing journey for me, and I love nothing more than getting to know my characters and listening to what they have to tell me. I do not have to be the best. I have to be MY best. I still have much to learn. There is room to vastly improve my craft. I will never be good enough. (In the sense that I will never reach a point where I will know all I have to know, and have nothing to improve upon.)
That symptom of always feeling like a failure? When I write is the only time I do not feel that way. When I write I know I am doing what I am meant to do, and I am happy with my work. Writing is my place of inner peace, even when the writing process itself is fraught with turbulence, distress, and despair. When I write, I am at home.
It would be really awesome if I could manage to pay the bills by writing. Hey, a girl can dream. I wish there was something else in the world that made me feel the same way, but there doesn’t seem to be. That’s okay. At least now I know that I always have my writing. At least now I know that I don’t have to put it off for “someday.” Writing enables me to be a whole person. It enables me to feel my best and know, in my heart, that I am not completely worthless. I am not doomed to fail at all things. I can even finish what I start. I also know, now, that it will always be there, waiting for me.
While writing makes me feel invincible, unfortunately, all things tech related do not. I have been informed that in the Kindle version of my book, the table of contents doesn’t work properly. When you click on any of the chapter titles it does not take you to that chapter. Interesting. I checked it in my document and they all work perfectly fine, so I’m not sure what has been lost in translation. When I formatted my first book it didn’t give me any trouble with the TOC. I hate it because it makes me look sloppy. I did check the links, I promise! So — back to the drawing board on that, and hopefully I can figure out quickly what I did wrong so I can remedy the situation. (and here I was feeling all good and stuff.)