I think I said in my last post that I had mixed feelings about participating in NaNoWriMo this year. I’m up to the 30,000 word mark, and I have no doubt that I would be able to at least make the minimum 50,000 by the end of the month — BUT — I’m going to have to throw in the towel for this year. Even though the choice to participate was a hard one, the decision to quit is equally difficult. I don’t want to quit. I just need to. I have some things going on personally that need taking care of. My daughter has some things going on emotionally that I need to be there for. And by “there” I don’t mean pounding away on the keyboard at the dining room table. I need to be present. I need to be able to focus and pay attention. I’m sad about not finishing, but I know there is always camp in the summer, and of course next November. It certainly won’t be my last NaNo.
I’ve made a point over the last year, especially, to try to live in the moment. I’ve embraced the journey I’m on, I’ve healed so many wounds from the past that I’d ignored for far too long. I’m happy with my life. I’m happy with where I am. I am content. Being content is a huge thing. Being comfortable with myself is even bigger. I think this is the first time in my life I’ve been comfortable being who I am. I’m no longer trying to please someone else. I no longer care if anyone approves or doesn’t approve. I can only live my life the way I think is best, it isn’t up to anyone else. I’m finally there. and it feels amazing.
My daughter remains the most important thing to me, and of course when she hurts I hurt. When she is sad, I’m sad. We are embarking on alien territory — these teen years. I told her the other day that this may be new to her, but she also had to remember that it’s new to me too. I may have been a teen once, but I’ve never parented one. I’ll make mistakes. I’ll worry too much. I’ll “remind” her of the same things over and over again. I will love her unconditionally no matter what, and I’ll never judge her, but I will always be here and she never has to struggle through these years alone. I guess that is one of the things that is so important to me that she knows. She is not alone. I will always be here for her. Even if I don’t agree with her, she doesn’t have to be afraid to come to me. She’s been up and down lately. She’s getting along with her peers pretty well, but some ever precarious familial relationship seems to be in yet another downward spiral. If I could have anything at all, it would be that they would have some understanding and patience. I wish they would learn about her emotional disorders and stop calling her “lazy” and “irresponsible” or stop telling her what a failure she is, and that she can’t do anything right. None of those things are anywhere near true, but how long can one child keep hearing these things before they are convinced you are right? How long before she gives up and is what you tell her she is? I wish they could see the intelligent, loving, caring, conscientious, kind, giving, talented, creative young person that she is. I wish they could appreciate her and understand the fact that one day, they will be without her, and that will be their own doing, not because she is a selfish person. She hasn’t talked about suicide in a while, and she hasn’t mentioned it in so many words, but so many days lately as she cries and asks why things are the way they are, she says she wishes she wasn’t “here” anymore. She wishes she could just disappear and cease to be. It breaks my heart. She has good days, of course. Actually, most days are good ones. Some days are harder than others, some days she’s giddy one minute and crying the next. That’s okay too. She’ll get through it all. I have nothing but confidence in her. she is such an amazing kid, I wish she saw herself the way I do.
We’ve had some stress lately, but I’m not going to let it rule me. I am still in control of this journey. Okay, so maybe I don’t always know the destination, but I’m okay with that. Getting there is half the fun, right?? I’m enjoying the trip for once. I’m taking in the scenery and having some fun along the way. So, in order to take care of some business at home, I’m giving up NaNo this time around. I’m going to take some time off of writing while I read some books, watch some movies, do some knitting, tackle my to-do list and some household maintenance, and I’m going to catch up on some of the really wonderful blogs that I’ve been neglecting lately.
In the next few weeks, we’ll be back at the doctor for my daughter for possible increases/changes to medications. We’ll be setting up testing for the absence seizures she has been experiencing, and also another doctor to look at her knees, which keep locking up on her. I’ll be dealing with a few medical issues of my own as well, so right now, I’m just anxious to get through the holiday season in one piece!!
In the meantime, we are going to keep looking on the bright side. We are going to laugh, love and enjoy our time together. We are going to look at the blessings that surround us every day, and find the good in the simple things. We are going to be mindfully grateful, look for our place of inner peace and live with joy. We are going to sing, dance and be silly. We’re going to play catch and take long walks.
Right now, I’m going to go decorate a Christmas tree. I’ve never put one up this early, but I think I need some twinkly lights in my life. 🙂
I’ll be checking in from time to time, I know you’ll be hanging around, breathlessly awaiting my next post. 😉