Who Am I? Why Do You Care?

I am a woman on a journey. Where I'll end up is yet to be discovered.

A REAL Dating Profile = the Kiss of Death


You can go ahead and blame this post on the fact that it is nearly 11:30 p.m. and I’m just sitting here waiting until I can take another dose of medicine before hopefully going back to sleep. I’ve been in bed since 4:00 this afternoon, and while I’m completely dragged out, I fear I will not be able to sleep right now. So – what better to do when you are achy, feverish, exhausted, and your eyeball sockets hurt right along with your hair?? You ponder meaningless crap, that’s what – and then you blog about it.  I’m sure that’s what people do.

My daughter often wonders why I’ve never really attempted to “date” after my divorce. There are tons of reasons, actually, and I’m not going to bother explaining them. Not right now anyway. An acquaintance of mine recently decided to join the hordes of other people who are looking online for love. She joined a dating site and spent a bazillion hours on her profile, hoping it sounded just right. She asked me to go look at her profile, which I did, and I started looking around just for fun, wondering what sort of thing others put in those profiles.  I’m sure women obsess over these things – they don’t want to sound like they are a Pulitzer Prize winning supermodel who also makes pies that win blue ribbons at the county fair – but they don’t want to sound boring or dumb either. I can see it’s a dilemma. I mean, you have only so many paragraphs to attract the attention of a man and you want to sound intriguing, but don’t want to lie, right? I’m not sure if men have this same problem. Judging from some of the profiles, I don’t think they do. No offense, guys, there are plenty of great, intellectual fellas out there; there are also just more than a few of these: “My sister made me do this. Send me a message if you want to know something about me.” And there is also the “I like to lift weights. I want a woman that is a size 2 with big boobs.” Of course, I’m from the South, so there are more of the hairy, bare belly photos with profiles that scream at you in ALL CAPS that they are : “LOOKIN FOR GOOD WOMAN LIKES TO HUNT AND FISH AND DRINK BEER” Before you ask, I’m not being sexist, there are more than a few females out there that believe showing the big boobs is a great way to attract a quality man.  As another friend of mine likes to say, I’m not judgin’ I’m just sayin’.

Browsing the site, something caught my eye. I came across a profile of a man that I know. His profile stood out though, because as I read it I knew good and well that the entire thing was fiction. It was an extremely long winded thing, and not one grain of truth in it anywhere. I wondered what happened when he started talking to a woman. I moved on, and a few guys later, I ran into something strange. Minus a few minor changes, they had the EXACT same profile. It was almost word for word the same story. A bit later I found it yet again. Here were three different men and they all had the exact same profile? What was going on here? Now if the profile was meant to be funny, I didn’t get it. If it was taken from  a movie, I obviously didn’t see it, so it was lost on me. It got me to thinking though, if you are going to bother to join a site and then make up a fictional profile, what is the point? If a woman reads it, and doesn’t realize that someone must be selling those pre written profiles for a quarter somewhere, and she contacts you – then what? She contacted you based on a lie. What can you talk about? Aren’t you just wasting her time and yours by trying to be witty? I’m not sure. I dare say I’m not qualified to make any judgements on the matter, it just seemed a bit odd to me.

As one thing usually leads to another, I started wondering what I would write if I were to join a dating site. The thought has me giggling to myself. First of all, I am the most boring person on the planet, so no one would hit the message button to talk to me, that’s for sure. But what would I say about myself? What would I say if I wanted to be absolutely truthful? What would I say if I didn’t try to sugar coat anything to make me sound better or more appealing than I really am? I’m not saying I’m awful – I’d actually be a GREAT person to date – if you stuck with me long enough to get to know me, that is. You’d be dang lucky to have me, in fact. 😉 So, what would an honest dating profile look like? Here goes.

I was born and raised in the South and am mother to an amazing girl. I’m short. 5’2″ to be exact. I don’t have amazing, long legs – and even though they work just fine, the ones I have are riddled with beautiful blue veins. Extremely sexy if you ask me. My knees creak and crackle when I climb steps. It’s a nice sound. Feels good, too. I am most definitely not a Barbie doll type. I take care with my appearance as much as the next woman, but I’m no high maintenance girly girl. I like make up and I like pretty clothes.  I am just not obsessed with them. I am also not a size 2. (although I do have the big boobs) Hell, I’m not a size 6 either. I used to be. It was nice. I’m kinda plump. (maybe more than “kinda” but that’s all I’m going to admit to).  I am currently working on a healthier lifestyle and moving toward a mostly plant based diet. It’s a work in progress. In five years I plan to be in good enough shape to hike the John Muir Trail. The whole trail – using my short, creaky kneed legs and sheer will. I am many things, but I’m a waitress by day and a writer and dreamer by night. I won’t be ashamed of not having a “career” at this point in my life. Life is a series of choices and is made up of moments in which you have to decide what is best for you. I don’t regret those choices. My daughter has always come first, and I am proud of my girl, and of the mother I am. My daughter is ADHD, has dyscalculia, and Anxiety Disorder. I am ADD and have Social Anxiety Disorder and also have dyscalculia. We are complicated and we are messy. Our brains are chaotic, but we are brave, loyal, intelligent and creative. The Social Anxiety Disorder will make getting to know me very difficult. I want to get to know people, but I am extremely bad at making small talk. If you are crazy enough to want to meet me, I will be shaking with terror and will make a fool of myself. I will be so uncomfortable that I will talk too loud and laugh too much, or worse, say nothing at all.  Large groups of people intimidate me – okay, so do small groups of people – so be warned that if I meet your friends, they are not going to like me. They are going to think I am quirky at best, silent and haughty at worst. I will embarrass myself by saying the wrong thing, because I will be unable to think of anything to say. I may shake your best friend’s hand and mumble something like, “You have a beautiful home. These baseboards are amazing.”  I will also probably hyperventilate and possibly throw up. Hopefully not on your friends.  I am a writer and I live inside my own head a lot of the time. I don’t get enough sleep and I can become obsessed with a story until it is complete. I am happiest when I am writing. I love to read and I love music. I listen to all kinds of music and love it all equally, except for rap. I think it is possible to see your IQ seeping out through your ears as you listen to that stuff. I am easily distracted and forgetful. I will not forget truly important things, but I will forget to take the clothes out of the washer and put them in the dryer. I will forget where I put my car keys, my purse, or if I took my medicine. I’d love to meet a man who understands that silence does not mean anything is wrong. I will not tolerate racism or prejudice in any form, and I’d like a man who understands that having a drink is fine – you don’t have to drink until it’s all gone. (at least not all the time).  I would like a man that didn’t only watch movies where things blew up – a man that reads would be great too. I’d like someone to share adventures with, someone who could teach me about things I don’t know, but would accept that my idea of adventure might not be that adventurous. I’d like someone to do things for – those little things that let them know they are important to me. I don’t want Mr. Perfect. I want someone human – flaws and all – someone who wants to be with me when they could be with someone else, who can make me laugh and who can make me feel like their arms are the safest place in the world. I’d like someone I could share a life with, the ups, downs, joys and tears, the good days and the bad.

What would happen if we were that honest? I don’t know. I think I would have just scared off even the most courageous of men. I guess that’s why I’m doomed to be a hermit. It’s probably for the best. My daughter tells me all the time that I’m awkward. She is joking, but it’s still true. I just can’t help it, I am. I’ve grown to accept it. I no longer feel like I should change to fit into the world. Still, I’d better stay off the dating sites. 🙂


Author: kristilazzari

I am a happily divorced mom and writer from rural Alabama. My daughter and I live off the beaten path with a spoiled rotten Flat Haired Retriever that believes herself to be a lap dog. Books are my passion, my day job keeps the lights on.

5 thoughts on “A REAL Dating Profile = the Kiss of Death

  1. Whatever. I find your quirks endearing and it was painless to stick around and really get to know you BECAUSE YOU ARE AWESOME. Just judgin’ and sayin.
    The right man will do the same.
    Hope you feel better, Boo.

  2. Really well written! I don’t think you sound boring…you pretty much sound like me. So I supposed we can be ‘boring’ together then! 😛 More people should read this to understand people with anxiety better! Hope your flu is better!

    • Thanks so much for your comments. Agreed- we can just be boring together. Maybe we should create a dating site for Anxiety Disorder folks…that would be interesting! Throw in my ADD to boot and my profile could also read: I’ll be terrified to talk but I’ll also interrupt you to share random bits of info! 🙂
      Still battling this bug, but I figure it has to get better sometime.

  3. Reblogged this on ADHD Kristi & Co. and commented:

    I posted this on my other blog, but even though it is by no means serious, it has everything to do with being Anxiety Disorder and ADD. Exploring dating profiles can be interesting…

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