Who Am I? Why Do You Care?

I am a woman on a journey. Where I'll end up is yet to be discovered.

Writing. Frustration. Uncertainty. What Next? Life. ADD.

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As you know, I’ve been working on that short story collection with my daughter and am enjoying every bit of it. I’ve not written a lot in the last couple of weeks though. Do you know those times when it just feels like the world is piling up on top of you? Things just start spinning a bit out of control, even if only in your own head? Yeah, life is like that sometimes. Things are going along fine as can be when all of a sudden it just sort of crashes.

You may remember, (but probably do not), some time ago I wrote a little about dealing with cervicogenic headaches. By ignoring the problem, things were just getting gradually worse, and I was just trying to pretend that they weren’t. I finally started therapy this week, and hopefully after some time will find some relief. If not, the next choice is for the neurologist to start putting nerve blocks in my neck. I seriously cannot laugh right now without sharp, shooting pain in my head. If I turn my head all the way to the right, I get nauseated. Not fun. My daughter tells me I am exceedingly grumpy, which I know to be true. So, I figured I’d procrastinated enough about that and got myself to the doctor where I belong.

What I’ve found is that it is exceedingly difficult to get anything done through the pain. I don’t like to be a whiner. I don’t like to feel like I can’t do something because I don’t feel good. I always try to tell myself that the pain could be worse, therefore it probably isn’t as bad as I think it is, and no matter what, someone ELSE has it a lot worse, so I should just be thankful and shut up and move on. But alas, my house is a mess, there is laundry piled high on the sofa, the dog hair needs to be vacuumed because it looks like I installed brand new, black wall to wall carpeting, and I don’t remember when I last changed the sheets. (okay, I do remember, and it wasn’t that recent.)  I am procrastinating more than usual, if that is even possible. I just want the pain to go away and life to go back to some semblance of normal. Or I would at least like to be able to walk without having to step ever so gingerly so I don’t jar my head causing that awful, shooting pain. It’s also pretty tiring to go about your day pretending you don’t hurt so no one will know. I’ll get there. (and again, I tell myself that others have it much worse, so I should be thankful and stop whining and feeling sorry for myself.)

My car needs work. I’ve put it off. And off. And off. I just have better uses for the money. I know, I know…not maintaining a car is the quickest way to ensure that you have to spend MORE money on repairs – but when the money isn’t present in the first place, maintenance can be difficult. Anyway, I saved up enough to do what needed to be done, and was just hoping I could get by with ONE MORE WEEK before bringing it to the garage. So what happens? Today it starts making veerrry weird noises. The steering wheel started doing this odd shuddering when I turned. When I got home and popped the hood, there was smoke. (Yes, there is fluid in the radiator.) Sometimes I feel like I just can’t catch a break. Yeah, I am whining again. Seems to be a theme with me right now. Can’t wait to see what I have to do with the car tomorrow.

I was under advisement that the job I currently have will no longer exist in two years. Okay. Two years is plenty of time to plan. I thought that I could use that two years to jumpstart my freelance copywriting career, take care of everything that needs to be taken care of, and then when the doors closed at my job, sell my house and fulfill my dream of buying a little house in the North Georgia mountains. Sounded like an excellent plan. I was excited. Then today I was told that it might NOT be two years. It might not be long at all. I started to panic. I realized how many hours I would have to work in another retail place to make what I make now. There would be no time to grow my copywriting business, there would be no time to spend with my daughter. I cursed myself for always staying in my comfort zone, and not figuring out this whole career thing a long time ago. And of course there is also that insidious little voice that says I will absolutely be a horrific copywriter, and I will never have work.  My needs are simple. I can’t help but be terrified of the day that my current job no longer exists. Oh, I put up a good front at work, the “oh, I’ll be more than fine,” routine. But inside, I don’t know how to move out of my comfort zone. I don’t know how to be normal. ( I will blame that on the years of undiagnosed ADD…all those years of feeling like a miserable failure instead of realizing there was a reason I was the way I was…) I don’t mean to be a downer here people, but if I’m completely honest…I’m scared. And that makes me vulnerable, and I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling less than in control. I don’t like admitting that I don’t have the confidence I so desire.

Yeah, I know. Everything will work out in the end. It will all be fine. It always is. Life is messy. It’s complicated, unpredictable, and sometimes doesn’t go according to plan or the way you’d like it to go. But it keeps on going. It isn’t going to stop and wait for you to figure out what the hell you’re doing. I don’t know…between the headaches, the car, some house repairs that also need doing, the idea of losing my job sooner than I’d planned, going down a new career path where my success is solely dependent on my ability to sell myself (don’t know if those are good odds), my desire to continue to write fiction and work on my craft, and the mess in the house that stresses me out…things are just a bit out of control right now. I guess it gets that way for everyone from time to time. Does whining about it help? Probably not. Most assuredly not. What helps? Getting off your butt and doing something about all of it. Fighting overwhelm mode, putting on your big girl panties and getting things done. Yep, that’s what helps.

I can do that. I would certainly rather look on the positive side than where I find my thoughts right now. I look for joy in life, I try to be mindfully grateful each and every day. I want to make the world a better place, not make it more miserable than it already is. I want to make people smile, not hate to see me coming. But I also want to feel in control of things. I want to feel like I can handle whatever is coming my way, and right now I just don’t feel that way. Oh, I know I CAN handle it..sometimes it just takes a little convincing. Sometimes life just piles up on you and you have to sift through it and put everything back into perspective.

I choose to be happy. I choose to be grateful. I choose to work on my shortcomings. I choose to enjoy my daughter and work on my health. I choose to start tackling that to – do list.  All will be well.

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Author: kristilazzari

I am a happily divorced mom and writer from rural Alabama. My daughter and I live off the beaten path with a spoiled rotten Flat Haired Retriever that believes herself to be a lap dog. Books are my passion, my day job keeps the lights on.

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